I Think It's Safe to Say I Have at Least a 60% Chance of Being Smarter Than You

Hi, I’m Viv. Here are some things you should know about me.

• I’m terrible at introductions; I never really know what to say. I don’t think I’m impartial enough to make a good judgment of my character (I’m really good at judging people I don’t know at all though, I do it all the time). So to avoid having to do this all, I’m just going to write about few completely irrelevant things and pretend it has something to do with my personality. Clever right?

• The life of Octavian Nothing does not astonish or even amuse me in the least. Maybe the book just starts getting good around page 300, but I've empathized with Octavian the least of any character I’ve ever known. And I’m pretty easily swayed. I can see where both Harry and Voldemort are coming from, I think Count Olaf might’ve just needed more affection in his childhood, but the boy who has an obsessive compulsion to weigh his own excrement is a hard sell. I actually did start liking him more when his oppressors started beating him (not when his mother died though, scratching out of three pages of text for “stylistic” reasons is fucking ridiculous, although it made the reading go faster).

• I was bitten four times by a mosquito while writing this and it’s greatly upsetting me. The only thing worse than a mosquito bite is an ant bite between the fingers, or toes. This actually happened every single time I stepped foot into “the great outdoors” during my childhood. That’s why I’ve learned better and now I spend as little time outside areas confined by four walls as possible. It’s also why when exiting a store I often power walk or jog to my car, to keep myself from being exposed to the elements for longer than physically necessary.
  

• I’m currently enrolled in an SAT Prep course where we learn valuable things like how to solve equations with fractions, identify a 45-45-90 right triangle, and fix a run-on sentence! I think the most valuable thing I’ve learned is that eating a snack in the middle of a four hour test prevents me from getting headaches that make it impossible to finish. So I’d say it’s $900 well spent (thanks Kaplan!).

That's all for now.

-Viv

f1rst p0st!!!1!!

First off, I would like to state that I am probably not smarter than you.

More talented than you, yes. Better than you, yes. Cooler than you, definitely. But maybe not smarter.

Oh, hell, what am I thinking. Yeah, try as I might to be humble and denounce Jonathan and Viv's naming this blog "Smarter Than You," it's just the plain and simple truth. Or that's what my ego would like me to think. Hmm. Damn ego. Hey, did I mention that I have a name for my ego? His name is Walter. When I'm feeling down he whispers in my ear (or, the ear inside my head. Obviously someone who resides in my mind can't go outside of my mind and whisper into my ear) and tells me that I'm great. That's an understatement, actually. What is he telling me right now? "Don't let the feds get you down, Phil! You couldn't have known that cannabis is illegal in the U.S! And don't worry about the giraffe ordeal. We'll smuggle that thing right into Jonathan's backyard. He won't mind. You're beautiful and perfect."

It's hard to believe my ego oftentimes, but I try. My emotional well-being is at stake. Anyway, this is way too long-winded. Here are some things you may not know about me:
1) Once my mother strip-searched me for drug paraphernalia.
2) I am actually quite the b-baller.
3) I actually do grow out my fingernails for a reason (other than being gay).
4) Muskrats turn me on.
5) I cheated on the SAT by reading the minds of the people sitting in close proximity to me.

That's about it. Sorry for this disjointed and disappointing post. I'm sure I will have a lot of snarky, sarcastic stuff to say about the Olympics as soon as I find out what Olympics are. Though if I had to take a guess I would say that the Olympics are a jazz group from Illinois who are planning on playing Beijing for the first time since the fall of commnism. Is that close?

Nothing happens when you die.
Phil

A Sordid Introduction of Sorts

I'm going to warn you now, before any of this starts, that you are now subject to copious quantities of sarcastic/ego flexing/cynical insincerities. You are officially fair game and in the line of fire. Just thought I'd warn you before the narcissistic hubris completely overwhelms you. Yep. Oh, who gives a damn what you think anyway.
So, since I've started things off in such a biting manner that, hopefully, will be imitated throughout the blog, I guess I should introduce highly talented and deliciously intelligent core writers.. except I won't personally introduce them, for more reasons than just that I am unjustifiably lazy, for we will all introduce our selves in posts following this one. Remember that our first round of topic lead posts will begin on August 10th, 2008. The Olympics is that week's topic- that is if the Chinese government doesn't pull the plug on this blog for not adhering to their stringent blog rules. Only time will tell.
Until later,
- Jonathan